How resilient are you, at the moment? Our resilience to adversity is not fixed and can change over time depending on how balanced our lives are. It varies depending on how well we are getting our essential needs met at any one time. The more that your needs are being met, the healthier you are likely to be in your mind and body, and the more resilient to adversity you will be.
Needs not wants
But it is important to realise that what we are talking about here is needs -not wants. Wants are very different: what we want is sometimes the polar opposite of what we need. So how do we know what we need?
Emotional Needs Checklist
We are all, of course, very familiar with our essential physical needs, such as water, food and oxygen but most people are much less aware that we also have essential emotional needs. How do we know what they are? Research over the last 40 years has established the essential emotional needs of a human being. Here they are:
Safety
To feel reasonably safe from danger as you go about your daily activities: safe in your home, your job and in the area that you live & work (for example, if you live or work with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive you may not be getting this need met).
Security
To feel that you and the people that you care about can plan for the future and go about your daily lives and that this is not threatened by factors outside your control (job insecurity, for example, may mean that this need is not being met).
Attention
Human beings need attention from others. We need to give it and we need to receive it. The research on marriage, for example, shows that partners not giving each other enough attention, in their interactions throughout the day is, a major factor underlying relationship breakdown.
Emotional Connection
Feeling that we are known and accepted, as we are, by at least one other human being (a brother, sister, friend or parent, for example).
Status
Feeling that we are respected by those around us, in at least some of our roles in life, for example as a parent or as a valuable member of the team, in our working lives can meet our need for status. Toxic cultures at work and/or home can undermine our feeling of being valued by others and our self-esteem.
Privacy
Able to be alone: to have time to reflect on your life and experiences & consolidate what you’ve learnt.
Growth/Achievement
To grow and learn and feel that we are able to achieve the goals we set ourselves, in at least some areas of our life.
Meaning
To feel that our lives are meaningful: that we contribute to the world and/or the people around us in ways that are in line with our own values.
Control
To feel that we have some level of control over our daily lives, for example, research has shown that the health and well-being of people living in institutions benefits enormously from even small amounts of control-such as deciding what to eat and when to get up.
Community
A sense of belonging to a wider group of people- this can be friends, relatives, neighbours, colleagues, people we share a hobby or interest with or any other local, social, political or religious groups to which we belong.
If we can identify the areas in our lives where our emotional needs are not being met, we can start to take action to address these gaps. By doing so, we can improve our resilience to adversity and also the quality of our lives, our relationships and our health.
By Ann Marie Taylor– Psychotherapist – Counsellor who holds clinics in Dublin Southside & in Greystones, Co Wicklow.