5 Top Tips for improving relationships

Simple changes can sometimes be all that is needed. This relationship advice is based on research which shows that these are some things that can make all the difference:

1) Focus on what the other person is doing right- it is all too easy to fall into the trap of only noticing & commenting on what they are doing wrong. We all like to be appreciated -so make the effort to notice & comment on the positives.

2) If you do have to bring up a difficult issue never start with “You..”. This usually feels to the other person like an attack & gets you nowhere. Instead, try & start gently and use “I ” statements about how you are feeling. Research shows that how a conversation starts predicts how it will end: starting gently tends to lead to a productive discussion whereas starting badly often leads to the other person getting defensive followed by unproductive conflict.

3) Be specific-bring up only one difficult issue at a time- resist the temptation to add other things. This is an example, ” I feel scared when I look at our bank statements. We need to find ways of spending less.” Notice: “I” followed by emotion followed by specific complaint.

4) Understand the difference between a specific complaint and criticism. Criticism is a general attack on someone’s character or personality-never a good Idea! For example, “People like you drive me crazy”; ” You are so careless”.

A list of complaints can also amount to an attack on someone’s character – which is why it is important to stick to one issue at a time!

5) Give them more attention. Last but by no means least – this is the biggie!

Attention is the water of love. Are your relationships withering like plants for lack of attention? Are you too busy on your phone, laptop, Xbox, tablet or TV to give your loved ones the attention they need & deserve?

You can read a longer article about the research on relationships and how to improve them here.

by Ann Marie Taylor, Psychotherapist based in Greystones & Dublin