Is conflict healthy and normal in relationships?

We can’t expect to always agree with everyone all of the time and so conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of all our relationships from early childhood through to old age – children and parents, teenagers and parents, friends, couples in relationships, families, neighbours, work colleagues, whole communities and even nations all experience conflict.
We need to learn to deal with conflict in a healthy and positive way so that there is an opportunity for growth and a strengthening of the bond between ourselves and others. It is an essential part of being human – we all have our own set of values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, and desires and so we are bound to have minor disagreements which are usually easily resolved. However conflict can sometimes trigger very strong feelings in us. It can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment and discomfort. It can even threaten our sense of safety and security or our sense of being valued and respected. If we are feeling very stressed, we tend to pay attention to only a limited number of emotions and we don’t realise that some of those deep-seated needs are being threatened. In a domestic situation, a couple might argue about petty differences— such as dirty dishes being left in the sink – rather than what is really bothering them.

In fact, in personal relationships, a lack of understanding about our own needs can result in arguments and ultimately break-ups. In the workplace, conflict can lead to stress, absenteeism and bitter disputes that can affect a whole company. Conflicting professional goals can quickly turn into personal dislike. Teamwork breaks down. Talent is wasted as people disengage from their work.

How can we best handle conflict?

How can we handle conflict in a more positive way? How can we do this quickly and painlessly and move on in at atmosphere of mutual trust and understanding? Conflict resolution and negotiation skills can be learned and it is never too late to do so!

Stay calm!
The most important thing to remember is, whatever happens, to stay calm, relaxed and focussed. We might do this by deliberately slowing down our breathing or deliberately focussing our attention outwards – noticing all the information that is coming in via our five senses rather than listening to the thoughts whirling round in our heads.
If we remain in control of our emotions, we will be better able to read and interpret other peoples’ verbal and nonverbal communication – to be able to better pay attention to what they are feeling as well as the words they are saying. When we are in control of our emotions, we can communicate our own needs without getting angry or upset. It is important that even if we do not think they are right, that they are entitled to their views. If we allow ourselves to get emotionally aroused, we might also start to fear conflict and so avoid both the situation and the person who we feel is threatening to us. We might start to imagine and expect bad outcomes and start to isolate ourselves.

Recognise and manage our emotions
Many of us ignore or try to squash strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear not realising that our ability to handle conflict depends on our being connected to these feelings. We should not be afraid of strong emotions – nature has given them to us for a reason – we simply need to learn how best to handle them while at the same time facing and resolving our differences.

Improve our nonverbal communication skills
We tend to forget that some of the most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often nonverbal – including eye contact, tone of voice and gestures. A calm tone of voice or relaxed posture can go a long way toward defusing an argument.

Don’t be afraid to use humour
It is sometimes (but not always!) possible to use humour to avoid confrontation and resolve disagreements. Gentle humour, possibly directed against ourselves, can help us to say things that might otherwise be difficult to express otherwise. Use it to reduce tension and anger and put a situation into perspective
Make the relationship our priority
Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be our first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.

Focus on the now
If we hold onto old hurts and resentments, we are in danger of not seeing what is happening in the here and now. What can we do NOW to solve the problem?

Pick our battles
Is the issue really worthy of so much of our time and energy? Really?

Forgive and forget
It is important to let go of the need to punish the other person as it will ultimate drag us down. If necessary simply agree to disagree, disengage and move on. Life is too short to hold onto it.

Be specific and deal with only one issue at a time
We have a tendency to throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved – the “kitchen sink” approach! Avoid generalisations words like “never” or “always. And don’t store up a whole load of grievances and hurt feelings over time so that when the lid of the pressure cooker comes off, there is an almighty explosion! Try to deal with problems as they arise.

Avoid clamming up or delivering the silent treatment
Sometimes a feature of intimate relationships, this is when one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other. It can be ultimately extremely damaging as it leads to frustration, anger and, over time, complete breakdown .

Communicate with “the opposition”
Really listen to them – their opinions are the source of our conflict and so it is important that we recognise them. Let them let off steam if necessary. If they shout and scream and behave badly, try not to retaliate. It is better to try to speak about our own needs rather than criticising their views. Don’t make early judgements, find a way to make their decision easy, allow them to save face if necessary.

Brainstorm possible resolutions
We know each other’s views and so now we can work together to find a solution. What do we have in common? At the very least neither of us want to continue to argue. Try some brainstorming, coming up with as many ideas as possible. Choose the best resolution – take the ideas from the brainstorming session and set a time to discuss them using both parties’ skills and resources.

This article on relationships and conflict resolution is by Alison Winfield MindFully Well Psychotherapist Cork