Three common causes of relationships deteriorating over time

(as established by 40 years of research by The Gottman Institute).

1. Over time, in long-term relationships, partners have a tendency to start focusing exclusively on what their partner is doing wrong & not noticing what they are doing right.
2. Related to the above, partners can forget to acknowledge and/or praise the little things their partner does right and also, over time partners can forget and get out of the habit of being affectionate to each other.
3.  At the beginning of healthy relationships partners are giving each other attention (which all humans need), hundreds of time every day in small interactions. Psychologist John Gottman, the world’s leading researcher in this area, calls this “bidding for connection”. At the beginning of a successful relationship partners receive lots of attention from each other, in many small interactions over the course of a day.  Over time, however, people become distracted by their own lives & interests & may overlook & underestimate the importance of giving their full attention to their partner.  They may regularly neglect to look up from the computer/ TV/ book or iPad when their partner is talking to them. The research shows that over time this is devastating for the health & success of the relationship.

So, what to do differently?

Firstly, recognise that it is a lot easier to change your own behaviour than it is to change someone else’s. “It takes two to tango” as the saying goes but the reality is that you can only take responsibility for your own behaviour and attitudes. However, if you do change your own behaviour, in the ways suggested below, the research evidence is clear that it is likely to  have a very positive and powerful effect on your relationship.

• Find opportunities in your daily life together to praise and show affection to your partner. It is surprisingly common for affection and praise to fall by the wayside in a long-term relationship (like everything else in life, praise and affection become easier and more natural with practise!)

• Make the effort to give your partner your full attention more often in your daily interactions.  It can be hard, when you are absorbed in something, to break away from it in order to give your full attention to your partner, who is asking or telling you something. However hard it is, make the effort- the research is clear that this one change can make all the difference, in the long-term, to the health of your relationship. What you are effectively doing, when you make the effort to do this, is telling your partner, in the most powerful way possible (through your actions), “You are important to me. You are so important to me that I will listen to you even when you are telling me about things I find boring.” You are also helping to meet one of your partner’s most important emotional needs-the need to receive attention.

• When you find yourself getting annoyed by and finding fault with your partner (as is normal at times in any long-term relationship), make a conscious effort to remind yourself of all the things you like and admire about your partner and the qualities that first attracted you to him/her. Try and focus more on the positives-the things you value in the relationship.

Simple though this relationship advice may sound, the research evidence strongly suggests that if you make these changes to your own attitudes and behaviour, they will, over time, strengthen the foundations of your relationship, reduce harmful conflict between you and increase the positive expectations of you both from your life together.

For more information on how to improve your relationships see

The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman & Nan Silver &

The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman

If you would like professional help dealing with relationship issues, including personal issues that may be affecting your behaviour in your relationships, contact any counsellor – psychotherapist in the MindFully Well network and they will be happy to advise and help you.

By Ann Marie Taylor  who holds clinics in Dublin South-side & in Greystones, Co Wicklow.